avoiding accountability leads to no communication on my end. i'm not sure wtf you expect.

to further explain my frustration with how things are going for me- in case you conveniently forgot when i said i would MUCH rather be volunteering at sabathani.. they actually allow me to show my ability and capability by working the phones and the desk. i ACTUALLY feel CONSTRUCTIVE like i'm doing something that matters as opposed to hauling myself to courage kenny (where they DISCOURAGE me from walking because then i won't need their useless assistance doing NOTHING but putting me on some machine that i push and pull my feet on some pedals while moving my arms forward and backward SOMEHOW helping me accomplish my goals i made them aware of (walking again and getting my drivers license again). I'M THE PERFECT CLIENT THEY CAN TAKE ADVANTAGE OF AND KEEP ME GOING MINDLESSLY TO THEIR SAD EXCUSE OF A REHABILITATION "FACILITY" THOUGH! I LACK ADVOCACY AND EVERYONE THINKS I'M CRAZY!.. because that seems to be easier than ACTUALLY assisting me with my goals that i've had for over twenty years. my shitty excuse of advocacy are selfish and naive- my grandma CLAIMED every damn night for the last two or three years of her life that my cousin amanda would "get you {me} to new york and she's told me ALL these plans to help you get your driver's license along with a vehicle again!" MY GRANDMA HAS BEEN DEAD SINCE AUGUST OF 2015. I HIGHLY DOUBT HER LAME EXCUSE OF A "SAVIOR" IS GONNA HELP ME DO SHIT. i just hope that amanda experiences this level of the lack of support i'm receiving from her whenever she needs help with advocacy (she might be so entitled to scoff at the idea of her requiring assistance in her life but as my grandma used to say, what goes around, comes around). would SHE HONESTLY rather sit in a fuckin wheelchair and go MINDLESSLY to some rehabilitation facility which ONLY allows her to go on ONE exercise machine which my living room wall could operate (pushing her feet back and forth while pushing and pulling bars at the same time) when she is capable of doing MORE while having supposed "friends" and caring family members encourage her, also MOCK HER BEHIND HER BACK for going to these rehab. institutes, and to go to some stupid ass rehabilitation institute that EVEN my GRANDMA PROMISED me i wouldn't have to return to after she died because "AMANDA WILL HAVE YOU {ME} IN NEW YORK WHEN I DIE!" nearly ten fuckin years later and i'm still a damn minnesotan. she didn't know any alternatives to keep me constructive (like i said- my grandma was naive when it came to "helping" me in the way i needed to be helped in order to get MY goals completed.. after all- she DID assume amanda would take her place and actually assist me to get to where I want to live- that says enough right there). "YOU GOT THIS!" is ALL the help or encouragement i get from her when i call her.. it's like pushing a person in a raft without a paddle, oar, or anything else to propel the boat in a river, then screaming at them, "YOU GOT THIS!" and expecting them to actually make their way to their desired destination. i'll try ANYTHING just to stay constructive (except for regressing my rehabilitation just to continue giving some lame rehab. institute money to help me when they don't help me in the way I want). when a CARING and RESPONSIBLE person has kids- they don't just assume they should make mini-me's. i get the feeling that my mom is just trying to take advantage of how i was injured in a car accident and disabled just like how my grandma convinced her that she was disabled- so she didn't have to do anything with her life!.. grandma tried convincing me of the same shit but i asked her about what happens if things get more expensive and the economy isn't doing as well.. she gave up because she didn't have any rational responses to my question. when a person has a child- they should encourage them to do what they truly want to do (if it's healthy and nothing about my goals are unhealthy) the best they can and offer them assistance.. not my mom.. it's easier to encourage them to be mini-me's! she doesn't care about my brother as much as she claims she cares about her daughters- so she just allows him to do what he wants and my sister would probably beat her ass if she tried to make her do something.. then there's me- her daughter who she can claim she has things in common with since she's got a traumatic brain injury! *claps* so now i'm expected to just GIVE UP everything i've busted my ass to get in life, so i can appear like a mentally disabled vulnerable adult, so amanda and the rest of my family (except joe- he ACTUALLY makes an effort to show he actually cares) can appear "caring" and "loving" and other feelings they clearly lack. i know i'm wasting my time expressing my frustration because NO ONE cares to actually help me in the way which would make me more constructive in my life. how would they like to be forced to do something when they know they're capable of doing MORE with their time? they wouldn't and they should stop acting like they actually care to make things different and more satisfying for me since this IS MY life. IN THE END- I AM THE ONE WHO WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE CONSEQUENCES OF MY DECISIONS. NOT MY MOM. NOT AMANDA. ME. SO BUZZ THE FUCK OFF IF YOU'RE NOT GONNA ENCOURAGE AND SUPPORT ME TO DO THE THINGS I WANT FOR MY LIFE. i'll point out the fact that my mom has another daughter WITH children (so she has grandchildren) she can focus on. you're not doing anything but annoying the fuck outta me. your numbers stay on block. i'm annoyed with your false image of "care" towards me. you obviously just care that it APPEARS you care than ACTUALLY caring about me. tell me.. were you THIS concerned about me when you put me in front of my dad when he was kicking you? didn't think so. i guess when you have kids, you can SELECTIVELY care about them.. well- i SELECT not to communicate or associate with you.. not until you can actually take accountability for the health problems i've had in account of YOU. EVEN the man who nearly killed me took accountability for nearly killing me when he was drinking and driving. HE'S NOT EVEN RELATED TO ME. UNLIKE YOU WHO ACTUALLY GAVE BIRTH TO ME. you never even apologized and/or brought up putting me in front of my dad while he was kicking you.. i just put it all together with memories of my grandma mentioning how you had me in your arms while my dad and you were arguing around the time of my FIRST PERFORRATED BOWEL SURGERY and she claimed you turned away while he was kicking you and he ACCIDENTALLY kicked me.. reminscing dreams around the last surgery on my bowel when it was blocked. like God was trying to tell me the reason for my surgery. i went home after the surgery and searched "how do bowels get blocked?" on google and it told me they get blocked if a person turns too much sometimes (considering i was sitting at my computer, not turning or moving when i first felt the pain in my bowel which resembled a baby kicking... considering i hadn't had sex in at least two or three weeks when i felt the pain- that pretty much eliminated the possibility of pregnancy pain) and then it said a bowel can get blocked from trauma inflicted on the bowel.. i thought back to when my grandma claimed my dad kicked me on accident because my mom had turned away from him and that gave me the answer right there. my mom has NEVER brought this up to me in my whole life (she's probably ashamed of herself and afraid of my reactions after she tells me about how my dad was kicking at her and accidentally kicked me instead). WHEN A PERSON IS BEING KICKED BY ANOTHER PERSON AND THEY HAVE THEIR CHILD IN THEIR ARMS- WOULDN'T THE MOST SENSIBLE THING BE TO PROTECT YOUR BABY?! NOT MY NARCISSISTIC ASS MOM. JUST USE THEIR BABY AS A SHIELD! THEY'RE FAT BABIES ANYWAY AND THEY'RE YOUNG AND STUPID! THEY'LL FORGET ABOUT MY CARELESS ACTIONS!.. i've had to go through too much damn pain on account of you. you wonder why the hell i ran away.. do you think it could've been to get away from my careless, selfish mom?! IT'S PRETTY FUCKIN SAD THAT EVEN THE MAN WHO NEARLY KILLED ME CAN TAKE ACCOUNTABILITY FOR HIS ACTIONS AND MY OWN DAMN MOM FEELS SOME KIND OF ENTITLEMENT TO NOT HAVE TO APOLOGIZE OR EVEN RECOGNIZE THE SHIT SHE PUT ME THROUGH. EITHER HE'S A MORE INTELLIGENT PERSON AND MORE CARING BECAUSE EMPATHY REQUIRES INTELLECT. OR MY MOM JUST DOESN'T GIVE A FUCK. tim is pretty smart and it's nice knowing he's caring but it's kinda sad that he shows more care for me than my own damn mom. she seems to think she's allowed to appear "caring" whenever it's convenient and/or beneficial for herself though! just stop trying. you tire me. i'm just irritated that people view you as a "caring parent"- which i'm positive that jay can back me on this argument. you just like to appear "caring"- you're a selfish, nosey, entitled person who just expects everything to revolve around her. the number stays on block. i don't have time for your selfish ass anymore. go pretend to care about amy and all 50 of her kids.